No rightly ordered parent enjoys watching their children suffer.
I still remember, as a new father, the first time my son was truly sick—the deep, aching desire to take his pain away as if it were my own. And I can recall countless moments when my children were overwhelmed by emotional or physical hurt, every instinct in me longing to hold them close until their pain disappeared. The empathy a parent feels for their child is one of the most powerful forces in human life—so powerful, in fact, that it can cloud judgment, shape convictions, and even alter long-held moral beliefs. When a child struggles—whether with hardship, identity, or moral conflict—a parent’s heart naturally bends toward relief, toward easing the pain, toward making things right.
But what if, in the rush to alleviate suffering, parents abandon the very principles that would provide their child with true stability?
Paul Bloom, in Against Empathy, warns that unchecked parental empathy can become a dangerous guide, steering moral decisions based on immediate emotional relief rather than long-term wisdom. He argues that parents must be careful not to allow emotional identification with their child’s distress to override moral reasoning.
1. PARENTAL EMPATHY AND MORAL CHANGE
Bloom argues that parents often shift their moral beliefs when their child experiences personal struggles. This happens because parents feel their child’s pain as if it were their own, which leads them to abandon previously held ethical convictions in order to relieve that suffering.
“Empathy is a spotlight focusing on certain people in the here and now. This makes us care more about them, but it leaves us insensitive to the long-term consequences of our acts and blind as well to the suffering of those we do not or cannot empathize with.”
💡 MORAL DRIFT IN RESPONSE TO A CHILD’S STRUGGLES
- Parents may reconsider their beliefs on major ethical or social issues, not because they found rational reasons to do so, but because they cannot bear to see their child suffer.
- Empathy is powerful but selective—it focuses intensely on a single person’s distress while ignoring broader ethical consequences.
- Example: A parent may hold strong moral convictions but, when their child struggles with an identity or lifestyle that conflicts with those beliefs, they feel compelled to reinterpret truth to reduce their child’s pain.
2. THE DANGERS OF ALLOWING EMPATHY TO OVERRIDE MORAL REASONING
Bloom warns that empathy is not the same as compassion. Parents must cultivate rational, long-term compassion rather than impulsively reacting to their child’s suffering.
“Compassion is feeling for and not feeling with the other. Compassion allows us to act justly and wisely, while empathy clouds our vision.”
🔥 EMPATHY CAN BECOME A TOOL OF MANIPULATION
- If a child learns that their suffering or distress can lead their parents to change their moral views, they may unintentionally or deliberately use that knowledge.
- Parents who allow empathy to dictate morality will lose the ability to provide stable guidance—instead, they will constantly shift to accommodate their child’s emotional state.
- Example: A child may threaten to remove a parent from their life if the parent doesn’t change a moral position that is important to the child. They may express their distress, even to the point of self-harm, knowing that this will lead their parents to compromise their beliefs in order to “love their child.“
💡 WHY COMPASSION (NOT EMPATHY) IS THE ANSWER
- A compassionate parent loves their child but maintains a clear moral standard.
- They can feel for their child’s struggles without being emotionally blackmailed into changing convictions.
- They are kind and caring, but they do not abandon truth for the sake of comfort.
FINAL TAKEAWAY
Bloom does not argue against parental love—but he warns against allowing empathy-driven moral shifts to dictate one’s ethics. Instead, he calls for “rational compassion“, where parents can support their children while maintaining firm moral convictions.
✅ Empathy makes moral decisions feel personal and urgent, leading to impulsive and sometimes irrational choices.
✅ Compassion allows for wise, principle-driven parenting that is not controlled by a child’s emotional responses.
His final warning: If parents replace moral reasoning with empathy, they may undermine the very structure of guidance and wisdom their children need most.